dream are only dreams

When you're around the heart brightens
Now the silence fell through your eyes
The lake reflect us, this is where our fragile lies shall end
I would live happy with our lies, but they can hold us no longer
when our love brushed through our time
I see what I am capable but I am unable to keep
Remember the day you gave your heart to me
I said You did not know what you are trying to acquire
We now left off where we begin,
But how do I return to before my heart became yours
Try to see what you are from six hundred miles
All the snow flakes cover strengthens love's blind spot
Has it snow today? our cold hands shall not meet again

Destiny?

Our relationship? I have pulled and stretched it and tried to look at it from all angles but got to the point where its left me empty. I guess I used to have hopes and aspirations as to how our relationship would grow. But sitting down and thinking about it these past few months left me feeling like I was left on the way side, just left to hang and watch and cheer to uplift your spirit. I noticed something today while chatting with you, and it dawned on me even if I was angry at you or as now stuck inbetween having consideration for you, I would still lend you my ear to hear your plight and try to make you feel better. Try in my selfless way to left up your spirit. Am I doomed to being the fixer, is my purpose in your life limited to a cheerleader looking for new cheers to lift your soul? Somehow I can't be with you romantically 'cause too much of me is already invested in keeping you safe and happy. I cannot be with you physically either 'cause your eyes can't see it but then I wonder if I would even enjoy it or even satisfy you. So I am left with not much to do except maintain the abundant flow of your happiness. I actually felt guilty not been there for you this past months with all thats happening to you. Is this my destiny or is it my curse?

with love

Breathe. Sky is higher than you think. Love is more than you know.
I love the highways in Texas. IT made me feel how small I am and how insignificant our trouble are.
There are so much more to embrace, and why not the relationship between us.

THE BATTLE...

I choose not to write cause I have a very bitter taste in my mouth. I dont know how to get rid of it or if I want to get rid of it. I believe in communicating what distresses me just to get it off my chest but when the person I am communicating to does not hold my distress in high regards then it leaves me empty. Empty cause I would not do the same thing. I have always believed that you do unto other as you want them to do to you so ..... Ahh this is bullshit. It doesn't matter what I say. I have loved you since I met you and now I am fighting to keep that love alive in me. I dont want you to be my girlfriend or anything that close anymore but now I have to figure out where you sit in my life. I have relied on you more than anyone outside my family and now I am at a crossroad where I dont really know how to approach you. I can't share the deepest things in my life with you anymore but I dont want to not talk with you cause its not a kool or rational. There is a battle waging inside me and it is eating parts of my sanity. I know I will always love you but I have to figure out what to do with such a powerful emotion.

for my best friend

I have watched a pattern of yours. From time to time, You turn your love for people to hate for people. For you to give for your people, you have create misery from giving! That should not be happening

Why so much drama? Life should be eventful but drama free.

I wish you to realize the impermanence. Peace should be in your heart whether you're giving your people or to yourself. Do things that are right. Forget your trouble and laugh now aloud. I got through my misery last weekend. But my cry did not do me any good. It was my laugh that got me out of it.

You're keeping a distance as I will see far away from you. You might come back and you might not come back. But if you haven't notice, i have remain where I am all these years. Remaining there for the other person is when I think love is proven.
I want to give you hugs and my love as always.

Laugh, all of your troubles will flows away like bubbles.
My monk at the temple taught me. he sings beautifully

Death

I have thought about it and noticed that I have become someone that I don't like anymore. I am selfless and give too much of myself to other. I have people in my life that care about only want I can give to them, which before these few days didn't really matter to me as long as I can make them happy. But all of that ends right after I finish typing this blog. I am sure I am going to hurt some people and also it will not matter to many if I am there or not but I don't have time to think about how anyone would be affected by the decision I have just made. I love you but I have realized that I need to keep my distance and will remain far away from you so that my love does not turn into hatred. I have watched you grow and proud of what you have become and where you might end up. Today, I will die.

changing direction

I was away from this blog for a month already.
This month was a real brain opener for me.
I have a lost feeling that I lived in seawater all my life but never seen the ocean. I have friends family and lover, still feel have no idea what I was loving. The strongest feeling I had lately was for the dog mocha. Unexpected little dog creature was naughty and giving at the same time. Everytime I think about us apart breaks my heart. This is the trait of future lonely woman. I am convinced I am going to be an old woman with many cats and die from my pets eating my flesh. Since Mocha like licking me so much.

So apparently I have good taste(from two of my bosses and surrounding "appraiser". I wonder if I can have better tongue then eyes... cause love eating. But having good taste is the problem. People that appreciate nice things has to be judgmental, we can not have taste without judgment. That means if i live as a nice person, I can not be Anna Wintour. That's the trade off.

Its very contradicting... I love people, but I do judge. Sometimes I notice people changed their haircut, but have trouble complimenting them. Can't hold off or say fake comments anymore. I read a blog, the blogger blogged about UGGs. I do agree, I don't understand why people wear them in summer, I don't understand how people found style in those, I don't understand the whole hype. I agreed with her. But she got so much harsh comments on them. So... why should we create such hate over style??

I have a lot of pride on my style, how I chose and the way I live my life. But it does not mean I should judge other. Now I'm having second thought on being a designer... I'm thinking of taking a master on landscape architecture. might be more interesting on making this world a better place and less hate.

Change... Name...

I am about to undergo the biggest change in my life. It will taste my spirit, emotions, physical and mental strengths,tolerance, understanding, creativity and soul, but I know I am mentally and physically ready for it. Time and time again I find myself wondering if the world it ready for this change. Another new me? It does sound like I have mentioned this before but I assure you this time it is a change that will rock the world and turn everything upside down on its arse. Almost everything is in motion all I have to do is get on the train and ride it hard. It is going to be one hell of a ride and one I am bound by my emotions and rationale to hold on to for the rest of my life. Come to think of it I do need to start thinking of a name. This change should have a name. A name that is worthy of it, a name that will stand the test of time. A name infused with power, creativity and knowledge. A name so simple. A name.

quarter life crisis: quote from convo with Q

Queenie: u cant be bored
u just got this job
me: believe it or not
i'm so bored already
Queenie: hahaha
dim suen ar lei
me: idk
hahaha
soo bad
3:36 PM Queenie: haha
guess what i found
Queenie: Characteristics of quarter-life crisis may include:
me: lol
Queenie: boredom with social interactions
HAHAHA
that s us
me: give me the whole prep
3:37 PM Queenie: Characteristics of quarter-life crisis may include:

feeling "not good enough" because one can't find a job that is at one's academic/intellectual level
frustration with relationships, the working world, and finding a suitable job or career
confusion of identity
insecurity regarding the near future
insecurity concerning long-term plans, life goals
insecurity regarding present accomplishments
re-evaluation of close interpersonal relationships
disappointment with one's job
nostalgia for university, college, high school or elementary school life
tendency to hold stronger opinions
boredom with social interactions
loss of closeness to high school and college friends
financially-rooted stress (overwhelming college loans, unanticipatedly high cost of living, etc.)
loneliness
desire to have children
a sense that everyone is, somehow, doing better than you
that explains why
aahha
me: omg
i'm total at that
but i'm a little late at 27
i have to blog this

again..

Trying to arrange my thoughts lately
all my ideas contradicts and really don't know what is my final goal
Do i love or do i lust.
Another reunion of he and I, another uneasy nights for me
It is not love nor guilt that I feel, it is a weird competition that we have
I wish to present that I am not nothing without you
That I will have work love and friends my life after you
But I stil feel like I have not match up to you
I still feel like my life seems shitty without you
I admit that it was everything that i dreamt of
and as the text i sent you before we break up. it is a fairy tale that does not belong to me
Maybe i felt it was too easy, maybe i want to work on my life with my own efforts
therefore i left you, i had to feel like i belong to myself, not borrowing my perfect life from you
But I am happy, but unhappy after I have to compare myself with you
maybe it is a good idea that we shall never meet again

O....

I went to bed a bit pissed at a friend last night. When I woke I could not believe how pissed I was at her, come to think of it there wasn't really anything major that warranted such a display of emotions. Maybe I am getting to that point again where my tolerance for humanity is getting low. The last time I had something like this I completely erased a lot of people from my life. Maybe they deserved it but I would not know now. I seem to get very detached from more people every year while making less new friends to replace the old once. I guess humanity is not much interesting to me anymore. There is a bitter taste in my mouth and it is slowly spreading.

I got to talking with you yesterday and our conversation moved into shagging and I was a bit surprised that no matter how many times we've talked about it you seem to tell me that you have never thought about us being together. I wonder if maybe its cause we have grown too close to each other or its because I kept this feeling for you this long with no return from you. I guess its getting to the point where I should overhaul my affection for you. Time has passed and affections have been voiced. You know where I stand and how I feel about you. I leave it here in your court for you to make the next move.

S.B.C

I started from scratch. Editing and writing out all the things that I have put on hold as a result of a silly excuse I gave to myself. A lot has happened and it is time I get off my 'feeling-sorry-for-myself' arse and start being as creative as I have always been. I am taking my project from print to the net so as not to keep dodging my fear. Maybe I can justify going to the net and look at it as an effort to stay 'Green' since it is the rage right now, but who the fuck am I kidding. I can not sit around and keep telling myself that I can't afford to go to print only to watch as my brain cells slowly rot and die. I have a gift, a talent, skill or whatever the fuck you want to call it and it is high-time I created something that is beautiful and fills my heart with sparkling bubbles. The storyboard is finished and its time to get this motion picture into full production. I am ranting to save my brain cells and for that we will call this episode 'save the brain cells'.

As a past advertising student..

and how much I did not like the Ad world. Focus Groups, target audience, every art director getting excited about some smart little things that they created. I was not longer in the scene but I still understand the amusement and passion behind the industry. Nowadays, everyone is concern about their privacy, everyone dislike advertising,seems like every product or every message that came from any brand is a monstrous thing!
So Facebook is validating privacy- yes again just like people that are concern with google and x amount of other companies.
I was really worried about iphone when I first got it. Look Apple and At&t would be about to know who i contact, where I live, where I go everyday. Every person email, phone call/text can be under surveillance. We will have no where to hide! If I do not have my phone, my communication with all people that I know will be non existence. It was a little frightening.
So that was my defensive arguments!

But I was rethinking this morning after reading facebook law suit and geneticly modified food??? Also my recent reading about our prices, above or below inflation.

We have 6.7 Billion in this world. Our resources are lowering and we have less energy, less food. We will soon eat up the whole entire planet. So now we have to concentrate on getting more food, conservation our energy source. I found that so closely related to advertising. It is funny to me that we blaming other people for the way we spend our money and resources. If there is no opportunity for another new phone or another new pairs of jeans, and if there is not desire in our human population, why! then why we spend the way we spend. Just because someone made something available, we have to get it? We changed our lives because we wanted to. We like the new cars, we like the new food. And we blame advertising for the way we want things because we can not control our own desires.

Now our consumption is snowballing, its hard not to blame on capitalism. We keep expecting bigger and bigger number in sales and in cheeseburger. Bigger yard, bigger apartment, better car, cheaper clothes. I don't blame for us to advance and to get more for what we spend. We are able to afford so much becasue goods are priced in the way that we believe we will have bigger sales and cheaper way to make everything. So can it be that we want more and we price things lower to attract customers to generate sales. Or we blame on advertising because we make things more desirable.

where is the love?

A Stall at the restart

Joyfully but painfully had to take a break at my new gig at DK. Somehow I got so so so sick and could not go in work on the first week. It was pretty embarassing.
My SIster had come into town. We had rest becasue i was too sick, and we were so lazy at home. It was the best time with her. Then we went sister shopping time and eating time and having fun time. My time is now without alcohol and nicotine! I think i'm quitting for good.
I love my sister.
Listening and designing. Pandora is the best work music
Going to see Feist with Candice tonight, finally....
I love her.

My shit is all over the place with dust, love and gross hair is where love does stop but always lingering

This grey period. I love grey, and black and white, but mostly grey.
The weather is beautiful, I went back and forth from NY to EL, it is all lovely, it was all about consuming food and clothing. All about drinking and partying in the most mellow way. We act like high school students and we sing like the end of the world.
Don't ever NOT work because my friend showed that he found the end of the internet. I don't know how he will survive doing this all day. I'd probably get so bored with life.
The next two weeks are all about music and shows.
I'll walk coco my dear friend's dog is a chow chow. He's big and happy! loves running around and i love running after him.
We'll have a love affair. I'm sorry D. It was meant to be!
work is just... blah now. I am excited and scare of my next place! but change was a must!

Life in B&W

No writing today. I am slowly getting the grove of been creative again. I had a digital moment last wknd and really enjoyed it. Tali stood me up for a shoot yesterday but it was expected of her. Why do I even bother. I am going to Coney Island today to shoot. I hope I can produce good work since I feel stuck shooting models which is quickly becoming a big bore. I need to get out of this country. I feel like I have a calling somewhere and need to get there with my trusted camera. So today I will create and create and create some more until I I have taking my hunger for creativity to a level where I am comfortable to create some more. Pencil, pen, ink all on paper. Start getting ready for my summer installation but I need to raise some capital for that. I have talked too much already and now I am started to get that bitter taste in my mouth again. I will try to make life beautiful in Black and White today.

minimal work

So after a week of partying and more coming this week. I managed to do my portfolio and landed the job I had longed for. I will miss every piece of drama and chaos here, but I feel I need to move on.
I wish i am a flake... cause then i don't have to spend so much money and time out. My throat is getting cratchy
I love being irresponsible today. and tomorrow and rest of the week. before i leave.
She know that my heart is not here anymore. I will miss my big food stealer... and rest of the crew. I always love my coworkers, althought at times i can't stay connected. Therefore LInkedin is still not really working for me.
I bought a bunch of shit! That's why i'm gonna sell a bunch of shit too...
Maybe I should get rid of the LV bags we own and just kept there...

Get off my ass

Went to the NYU Tisch Senior show last night. Sidney's work was not as much as I expect. Superfuture kids, highlights the ones that flew from outside New York, there's Sam from Amsterdam, The canadians, San francisco kids, were a touch disappointed. Not by his work ,but the size of his exhibition. He deserve a larger spot with real photos. I am very amazed that superfuture is filled with boys! I was with about 30 boys I"d say, and there are only 2 girls in the group. I felt a little intimidated with all these skinny and fashionable boys around me, therefore I only stayed to my Homies- Dark and Ape. I did not even know one extra name.
2 canadians were left alone and called me at 12 to find dark... Damn, that was sad

STOP SITTING ON YOUR ASS. I say to myself
So the appointment had been scheduled. I have to get off my ltaiwanese drama life finally. Here are my list-

prints
photos
reamp my shit
Want to make my own card. I"m tired of giving my kids' picture to ppl.
TAX!!! tax tax tax
really start to write for WRG Shorty....

Music!
Still in love with Postal Service and Broken Social Scene...
Can't wait till we go to Feist and RJD2!
My sister is coming! oh how much do I miss her. But I never call her

It is not...

I woke feeling a bit worn out but decided to go for a run instead. The more I ran the more pissed I find myself getting. I was angry but what I was angry about eluded me as I battle the cold air that was finding its way fat under my skin through my pores. I spent money I didn't have on my car which I should not be driving at this time. Well, I am gambling with fate now. I feel stuck in this life I am living and constantly feeling that people are very pretentious and it is starting to get under my skin. I watched a movie today and got a bit inspired which I really need. Well, I am getting into one of my "don't want to deal with people mood" again and it will take me a long time to get back into a better mood. Don't get me wrong I am happy with my life and where I am right now, I just feel dissatisfied with the people in my life. Like I have given too much of myself and starting to feel like I should stop the giving. Time to go kill some one on 'God of War'.

uh! its march

Uni panini $15 a pop was a bit much but I have to admit that it was pretty good.Very crowded on a tuesday night and there is only standing room. Decor is beautiful, the chef is the sweetest! Love the place love the food.
El Quinto PIno.

SO I think I should make pancake again this sunday. I'm so addicted to them....

ITs march, and i'm sleepy

Hauting thoughts

I have been in love with you for such a long time and for all this time I have battled it keeping at bay so that we would exist seemlessly in each others lives. We both know where we are in regards to our lives outside each other. In a commited relationship that would be threatened if the other parties knows how deep my affection for you has grown. Sometimes I wonder if it is lust associated with love or pure love. I am a rational minded person and have thought through all that is and all that could be. Do I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I would open mindedly say yes at this very minute or any other time the question is asked. O god I have a scatter brain right now. I know I want you and it scars me that I am about to get run over by a train. You know, the old locomotive train filled with concrete slabs enought to fill the Empire State Building 10 times over. You are my best friend according to my logic, but sharing this with you has hunted me for as long as I have known you.

DangeroUS thoughts.

I saw the posting below and so many things ran through my head. A lot of clean thoughts and a few dirty one. It has been awhile since I had thoughts like that. Now I sit with my Macbook on my lap thinking of how tomorrow will run. I need to be up mad early just to get to Apple Soho at 5:30pm. Well, I am sure I can make it. Still didn't get paid for the Natalie Portman window I did and it is not making me happy. Tomorrow I feel is going to be a very good day, 'cause there are so much to do and and a few interesting people to meet. So I am hoping it will turn out to be a very delicious day. I took my camera out the other day and shoot on the street. Now this is something I have not done in awhile and I do miss that, so I am hoping that it will be the beginning of my return to shooting things and people on the street of NYC again.

sculpted

FOr some time i thought I was alone on this thing. Well i'm glad to see some response. hahaha
Another respond I have here for Edison Chen's Sex photo scandal. Dear Edison is the fly pretty boy that I would also drool over ruined by his little habbit of taking intimate picture with his pretty girls gang in Hong Kong celebrity scene had created some stir over the press.
I got this from another blog. just thought i have to post it in relevance of his problem.
But how come his career is ruined and haven't you learn your lesson from pamela and our dear paris?

Saturday...

My external hard drive dies in the middle of a very important project and I am tried everything I know to get it to mount on my computer. I guess I am taking it to work to get that looked at. It snowed a lot and I wanted to stay out with my camera but I ran out of film for I went to work instead. Damn it. Snowboarding sounds like a lot of fun but I didn't get paid for a job I did so I am not going to have enough money left over after taking car of a lot of things. Well, the day is about to start and I am looking forward to what is going to happen. I have a couch to build so heading to the drawing board to fine tune the details.

Back...

So after staying away from writing on this for some time I thought about it today and decided to write something. A lot has happened since I last posted. I am now working for Apple Inc at the West 14 Store. I gained a treasure and lost a treasure I have come to cherish. I got a an internal hard drive for my Power Mac G5. I have been taking a break from shooting cause I want to get back to shooting street art. I have an seen my co-worker perform at Fuerzabruta, it is a dope show. O yeah and there was this time my best friend stepped on this can box I was going to use for a for paperwork. She was jumping around.

Maybe letting him fly should be the way for me to love him.
We all make sacrifices. But I should not wish him to sacrifice for me only because i'm willing to.
The iphone, I think i'm a late adaptor. I am unwilling to adapt to new things because I feel it is the way of yuppies, I do respect everything I acquire, but does not mean I can help myself loosing it.
That's how I lost my phone, that's how I now own the new Iphone. Thats how my lesson was learnt.
Maybe He deserves to go to Philly. Maybe relationship is not how it was promised. Nothing should ever be how it was said. Things changes, situations change. Maybe i'm holding on to it because i'm afraid it will change him.

Love strikes

Beautiful sunshine strikes everyone with the love from Earth today.
heart heart heart heart heart!

a bad day only gets worse

first. a girl claim that i'm cheating with his bf. Yea right, we've never even flirt, would there be anything romantic going on????
Second. Somebody is saying some things that pisses me off. We're fighters and never should quit!
third. did not get along and felt they were racist
forth, ran into ex bf, without greeting. he left and make out with his new gf. which really did not have any effect on me. but I still feel hated, which was the most stupid thing ever!!
fifth, stupid bouncer was stupid and really pissed me off that they did not let me frd in

A lot of bullshit and really no room for anyone of it.

Tired...
In the mix of heavy work and pilates, my body is finally saying i've had it.
Enjoyed fabulous lobster meal with clams and oysters. It was the perfect tuesday night out with friends. Chinese new year will be fun and long.
So we're going to Vermont! finally a ski trip this year.
i'm tired and excited!

my sat night

Well I worked whole weekend last week, so this long weekend is best for me to relax a little. After doing nothing whole day, finally got out to Oak's sale. Got some fabulous and simple pieces, met a model and headed to the big dinner and party.
Pacha was definitely a more "mature" experience as most of the crowd was as old as my father, and I ensure you that my dad could be hottest of all. My grandpa was pretty hot as well. I don't know why my cousins are not as handsome. Actually maybe Daniel was handsome, but I don't know what he looks like now. (okay enough about my family) Well all the bootie shaking nail salon/carry out looking people really horrified us. As I dont' know how the club was so hot and listed... then we went back to park

as for friday night- Au Revoir Simone

Totally forgot Karl bought tickets for me. And I barely listened to the album before heading to our beloved Bowery Ballroom.
Dark and I went to Ryan's Naked boys photo exhibit. Really nice shots and colors, but we're not up for penis. Thanks Ryan for the great show. Met Paolo, Juan and David at the bar then Ate at the Le French Diner again, I always love their great frenchie food.
Finally the concert, April March with the whinny lead singer was just... a little too much for us. Found Karl, Trish, Raila, Laurie and Yonna. Thank god Karl did not get rid of my tickets, cause those 3 girls were amazing. It was too girlie for Dark. But he enjoyed the show as well.
Check the girls out. lovely beats, lovely vocals, and lovely show. photo is the girls with all the rest of the opening bands.

Lust Caution- M is back in town

First thing i come back in NYC- was to be a proud Chinese girl. I have finally saw Lust Caution as almost everyone I met had ask for my opinion over it. I have heard it was long, it was blah it wasn't that great. But I really liked it, Don't listen to others, I always believe in seeing it for myself. But as for Cloverfield, I will do the screening after DVD release.
Lust Caution was great from pacing, set, costume, acting and directing. I think the sex was great, haha and it was so nicely done. Every scene was necessary and I really don't think it was too much.
As for concept wise, it was pretty regular movie for me, not much to say about the story line.
Simple script and done in a great job.

Munchen

Left on Friday, the 9 hr flight was definitely hard for me to fall asleep. My neighbor and I woke up and sleep on exact opposite schedule. December boys companied me when I was awake. The Munich weather was beautiful, and we arrived safely on Saturday morning. The airport had BMW advertising as expected. With creme colored Mercedez taxi, we arrived to our little stinky hotel safety. The huge bathroom with rails total took me by surprise. Also heard Heidi Klum is everywhere cause she is like the best thing Germany's ever had.
After a day of work, we had our first great Bavarian dinner with Snitzels, Goose fat spread and beer. The only phrase I learnt, I used last night and it had good impact. hahaha Hanging out with people from Italy, Germany and the USA, of course there would be some language exchange. Although they all know english pretty well.
2nd day was the big day. My first presentation was... I thought was well, but i guess it wasn't so good as I thought. It was hard cause we had to do presentation twice for everything. At the end of the day with all the comments and critic, I was so tired.
Same as the 3rd day, only the Jagermeister Onder gave totally released me and I was partying. Well my crew from US definitely showed the European the way to party. hahahaha
4th day was another hard day, but all in all is Yes! I finally been to Germany, only had couple hours in the city, but it was more than I could have ever.