dream are only dreams

When you're around the heart brightens
Now the silence fell through your eyes
The lake reflect us, this is where our fragile lies shall end
I would live happy with our lies, but they can hold us no longer
when our love brushed through our time
I see what I am capable but I am unable to keep
Remember the day you gave your heart to me
I said You did not know what you are trying to acquire
We now left off where we begin,
But how do I return to before my heart became yours
Try to see what you are from six hundred miles
All the snow flakes cover strengthens love's blind spot
Has it snow today? our cold hands shall not meet again

Destiny?

Our relationship? I have pulled and stretched it and tried to look at it from all angles but got to the point where its left me empty. I guess I used to have hopes and aspirations as to how our relationship would grow. But sitting down and thinking about it these past few months left me feeling like I was left on the way side, just left to hang and watch and cheer to uplift your spirit. I noticed something today while chatting with you, and it dawned on me even if I was angry at you or as now stuck inbetween having consideration for you, I would still lend you my ear to hear your plight and try to make you feel better. Try in my selfless way to left up your spirit. Am I doomed to being the fixer, is my purpose in your life limited to a cheerleader looking for new cheers to lift your soul? Somehow I can't be with you romantically 'cause too much of me is already invested in keeping you safe and happy. I cannot be with you physically either 'cause your eyes can't see it but then I wonder if I would even enjoy it or even satisfy you. So I am left with not much to do except maintain the abundant flow of your happiness. I actually felt guilty not been there for you this past months with all thats happening to you. Is this my destiny or is it my curse?

with love

Breathe. Sky is higher than you think. Love is more than you know.
I love the highways in Texas. IT made me feel how small I am and how insignificant our trouble are.
There are so much more to embrace, and why not the relationship between us.

THE BATTLE...

I choose not to write cause I have a very bitter taste in my mouth. I dont know how to get rid of it or if I want to get rid of it. I believe in communicating what distresses me just to get it off my chest but when the person I am communicating to does not hold my distress in high regards then it leaves me empty. Empty cause I would not do the same thing. I have always believed that you do unto other as you want them to do to you so ..... Ahh this is bullshit. It doesn't matter what I say. I have loved you since I met you and now I am fighting to keep that love alive in me. I dont want you to be my girlfriend or anything that close anymore but now I have to figure out where you sit in my life. I have relied on you more than anyone outside my family and now I am at a crossroad where I dont really know how to approach you. I can't share the deepest things in my life with you anymore but I dont want to not talk with you cause its not a kool or rational. There is a battle waging inside me and it is eating parts of my sanity. I know I will always love you but I have to figure out what to do with such a powerful emotion.

for my best friend

I have watched a pattern of yours. From time to time, You turn your love for people to hate for people. For you to give for your people, you have create misery from giving! That should not be happening

Why so much drama? Life should be eventful but drama free.

I wish you to realize the impermanence. Peace should be in your heart whether you're giving your people or to yourself. Do things that are right. Forget your trouble and laugh now aloud. I got through my misery last weekend. But my cry did not do me any good. It was my laugh that got me out of it.

You're keeping a distance as I will see far away from you. You might come back and you might not come back. But if you haven't notice, i have remain where I am all these years. Remaining there for the other person is when I think love is proven.
I want to give you hugs and my love as always.

Laugh, all of your troubles will flows away like bubbles.
My monk at the temple taught me. he sings beautifully

Death

I have thought about it and noticed that I have become someone that I don't like anymore. I am selfless and give too much of myself to other. I have people in my life that care about only want I can give to them, which before these few days didn't really matter to me as long as I can make them happy. But all of that ends right after I finish typing this blog. I am sure I am going to hurt some people and also it will not matter to many if I am there or not but I don't have time to think about how anyone would be affected by the decision I have just made. I love you but I have realized that I need to keep my distance and will remain far away from you so that my love does not turn into hatred. I have watched you grow and proud of what you have become and where you might end up. Today, I will die.

changing direction

I was away from this blog for a month already.
This month was a real brain opener for me.
I have a lost feeling that I lived in seawater all my life but never seen the ocean. I have friends family and lover, still feel have no idea what I was loving. The strongest feeling I had lately was for the dog mocha. Unexpected little dog creature was naughty and giving at the same time. Everytime I think about us apart breaks my heart. This is the trait of future lonely woman. I am convinced I am going to be an old woman with many cats and die from my pets eating my flesh. Since Mocha like licking me so much.

So apparently I have good taste(from two of my bosses and surrounding "appraiser". I wonder if I can have better tongue then eyes... cause love eating. But having good taste is the problem. People that appreciate nice things has to be judgmental, we can not have taste without judgment. That means if i live as a nice person, I can not be Anna Wintour. That's the trade off.

Its very contradicting... I love people, but I do judge. Sometimes I notice people changed their haircut, but have trouble complimenting them. Can't hold off or say fake comments anymore. I read a blog, the blogger blogged about UGGs. I do agree, I don't understand why people wear them in summer, I don't understand how people found style in those, I don't understand the whole hype. I agreed with her. But she got so much harsh comments on them. So... why should we create such hate over style??

I have a lot of pride on my style, how I chose and the way I live my life. But it does not mean I should judge other. Now I'm having second thought on being a designer... I'm thinking of taking a master on landscape architecture. might be more interesting on making this world a better place and less hate.