THE BATTLE...

I choose not to write cause I have a very bitter taste in my mouth. I dont know how to get rid of it or if I want to get rid of it. I believe in communicating what distresses me just to get it off my chest but when the person I am communicating to does not hold my distress in high regards then it leaves me empty. Empty cause I would not do the same thing. I have always believed that you do unto other as you want them to do to you so ..... Ahh this is bullshit. It doesn't matter what I say. I have loved you since I met you and now I am fighting to keep that love alive in me. I dont want you to be my girlfriend or anything that close anymore but now I have to figure out where you sit in my life. I have relied on you more than anyone outside my family and now I am at a crossroad where I dont really know how to approach you. I can't share the deepest things in my life with you anymore but I dont want to not talk with you cause its not a kool or rational. There is a battle waging inside me and it is eating parts of my sanity. I know I will always love you but I have to figure out what to do with such a powerful emotion.

for my best friend

I have watched a pattern of yours. From time to time, You turn your love for people to hate for people. For you to give for your people, you have create misery from giving! That should not be happening

Why so much drama? Life should be eventful but drama free.

I wish you to realize the impermanence. Peace should be in your heart whether you're giving your people or to yourself. Do things that are right. Forget your trouble and laugh now aloud. I got through my misery last weekend. But my cry did not do me any good. It was my laugh that got me out of it.

You're keeping a distance as I will see far away from you. You might come back and you might not come back. But if you haven't notice, i have remain where I am all these years. Remaining there for the other person is when I think love is proven.
I want to give you hugs and my love as always.

Laugh, all of your troubles will flows away like bubbles.
My monk at the temple taught me. he sings beautifully

Death

I have thought about it and noticed that I have become someone that I don't like anymore. I am selfless and give too much of myself to other. I have people in my life that care about only want I can give to them, which before these few days didn't really matter to me as long as I can make them happy. But all of that ends right after I finish typing this blog. I am sure I am going to hurt some people and also it will not matter to many if I am there or not but I don't have time to think about how anyone would be affected by the decision I have just made. I love you but I have realized that I need to keep my distance and will remain far away from you so that my love does not turn into hatred. I have watched you grow and proud of what you have become and where you might end up. Today, I will die.

changing direction

I was away from this blog for a month already.
This month was a real brain opener for me.
I have a lost feeling that I lived in seawater all my life but never seen the ocean. I have friends family and lover, still feel have no idea what I was loving. The strongest feeling I had lately was for the dog mocha. Unexpected little dog creature was naughty and giving at the same time. Everytime I think about us apart breaks my heart. This is the trait of future lonely woman. I am convinced I am going to be an old woman with many cats and die from my pets eating my flesh. Since Mocha like licking me so much.

So apparently I have good taste(from two of my bosses and surrounding "appraiser". I wonder if I can have better tongue then eyes... cause love eating. But having good taste is the problem. People that appreciate nice things has to be judgmental, we can not have taste without judgment. That means if i live as a nice person, I can not be Anna Wintour. That's the trade off.

Its very contradicting... I love people, but I do judge. Sometimes I notice people changed their haircut, but have trouble complimenting them. Can't hold off or say fake comments anymore. I read a blog, the blogger blogged about UGGs. I do agree, I don't understand why people wear them in summer, I don't understand how people found style in those, I don't understand the whole hype. I agreed with her. But she got so much harsh comments on them. So... why should we create such hate over style??

I have a lot of pride on my style, how I chose and the way I live my life. But it does not mean I should judge other. Now I'm having second thought on being a designer... I'm thinking of taking a master on landscape architecture. might be more interesting on making this world a better place and less hate.

Change... Name...

I am about to undergo the biggest change in my life. It will taste my spirit, emotions, physical and mental strengths,tolerance, understanding, creativity and soul, but I know I am mentally and physically ready for it. Time and time again I find myself wondering if the world it ready for this change. Another new me? It does sound like I have mentioned this before but I assure you this time it is a change that will rock the world and turn everything upside down on its arse. Almost everything is in motion all I have to do is get on the train and ride it hard. It is going to be one hell of a ride and one I am bound by my emotions and rationale to hold on to for the rest of my life. Come to think of it I do need to start thinking of a name. This change should have a name. A name that is worthy of it, a name that will stand the test of time. A name infused with power, creativity and knowledge. A name so simple. A name.

quarter life crisis: quote from convo with Q

Queenie: u cant be bored
u just got this job
me: believe it or not
i'm so bored already
Queenie: hahaha
dim suen ar lei
me: idk
hahaha
soo bad
3:36 PM Queenie: haha
guess what i found
Queenie: Characteristics of quarter-life crisis may include:
me: lol
Queenie: boredom with social interactions
HAHAHA
that s us
me: give me the whole prep
3:37 PM Queenie: Characteristics of quarter-life crisis may include:

feeling "not good enough" because one can't find a job that is at one's academic/intellectual level
frustration with relationships, the working world, and finding a suitable job or career
confusion of identity
insecurity regarding the near future
insecurity concerning long-term plans, life goals
insecurity regarding present accomplishments
re-evaluation of close interpersonal relationships
disappointment with one's job
nostalgia for university, college, high school or elementary school life
tendency to hold stronger opinions
boredom with social interactions
loss of closeness to high school and college friends
financially-rooted stress (overwhelming college loans, unanticipatedly high cost of living, etc.)
loneliness
desire to have children
a sense that everyone is, somehow, doing better than you
that explains why
aahha
me: omg
i'm total at that
but i'm a little late at 27
i have to blog this

again..

Trying to arrange my thoughts lately
all my ideas contradicts and really don't know what is my final goal
Do i love or do i lust.
Another reunion of he and I, another uneasy nights for me
It is not love nor guilt that I feel, it is a weird competition that we have
I wish to present that I am not nothing without you
That I will have work love and friends my life after you
But I stil feel like I have not match up to you
I still feel like my life seems shitty without you
I admit that it was everything that i dreamt of
and as the text i sent you before we break up. it is a fairy tale that does not belong to me
Maybe i felt it was too easy, maybe i want to work on my life with my own efforts
therefore i left you, i had to feel like i belong to myself, not borrowing my perfect life from you
But I am happy, but unhappy after I have to compare myself with you
maybe it is a good idea that we shall never meet again