Ape show!

I love your vision and all the images!

I went to the park with my mum and played from on the slide for about 50 minutes on Sunday. It was great and now I am going to sleep.

In Love with Fiona again

What I need is a good defense
'Cause I'm feelin' like a criminal
And I need to be redeemed
To the one I've sinned against
Because he's all I ever knew of love

lyrics from fiona apple and it was just... an awaken sign
he wants to redeem me again.hahaha

BREATHE

I put my face in my hands
And tears begin to roll down my palm
Washing and cleansing me
Of the pain from my past experience
The desire I once had for living
is beginning to fill my lungs with air
And I can breathe again
Again I breathe
Again I breathe
This breath in my lungs
Strenghtens every muscle in my being
"M.C."
I hear my voicebox call out to you
My stretched arm
Remote and independent
It reached out to touch your soul
Put your face in my hands
Let your tears release you of your past pain
Breathe
Breathe
Breathe Min
Breathe again.
And again.

dream are only dreams

When you're around the heart brightens
Now the silence fell through your eyes
The lake reflect us, this is where our fragile lies shall end
I would live happy with our lies, but they can hold us no longer
when our love brushed through our time
I see what I am capable but I am unable to keep
Remember the day you gave your heart to me
I said You did not know what you are trying to acquire
We now left off where we begin,
But how do I return to before my heart became yours
Try to see what you are from six hundred miles
All the snow flakes cover strengthens love's blind spot
Has it snow today? our cold hands shall not meet again

Destiny?

Our relationship? I have pulled and stretched it and tried to look at it from all angles but got to the point where its left me empty. I guess I used to have hopes and aspirations as to how our relationship would grow. But sitting down and thinking about it these past few months left me feeling like I was left on the way side, just left to hang and watch and cheer to uplift your spirit. I noticed something today while chatting with you, and it dawned on me even if I was angry at you or as now stuck inbetween having consideration for you, I would still lend you my ear to hear your plight and try to make you feel better. Try in my selfless way to left up your spirit. Am I doomed to being the fixer, is my purpose in your life limited to a cheerleader looking for new cheers to lift your soul? Somehow I can't be with you romantically 'cause too much of me is already invested in keeping you safe and happy. I cannot be with you physically either 'cause your eyes can't see it but then I wonder if I would even enjoy it or even satisfy you. So I am left with not much to do except maintain the abundant flow of your happiness. I actually felt guilty not been there for you this past months with all thats happening to you. Is this my destiny or is it my curse?

with love

Breathe. Sky is higher than you think. Love is more than you know.
I love the highways in Texas. IT made me feel how small I am and how insignificant our trouble are.
There are so much more to embrace, and why not the relationship between us.

THE BATTLE...

I choose not to write cause I have a very bitter taste in my mouth. I dont know how to get rid of it or if I want to get rid of it. I believe in communicating what distresses me just to get it off my chest but when the person I am communicating to does not hold my distress in high regards then it leaves me empty. Empty cause I would not do the same thing. I have always believed that you do unto other as you want them to do to you so ..... Ahh this is bullshit. It doesn't matter what I say. I have loved you since I met you and now I am fighting to keep that love alive in me. I dont want you to be my girlfriend or anything that close anymore but now I have to figure out where you sit in my life. I have relied on you more than anyone outside my family and now I am at a crossroad where I dont really know how to approach you. I can't share the deepest things in my life with you anymore but I dont want to not talk with you cause its not a kool or rational. There is a battle waging inside me and it is eating parts of my sanity. I know I will always love you but I have to figure out what to do with such a powerful emotion.

for my best friend

I have watched a pattern of yours. From time to time, You turn your love for people to hate for people. For you to give for your people, you have create misery from giving! That should not be happening

Why so much drama? Life should be eventful but drama free.

I wish you to realize the impermanence. Peace should be in your heart whether you're giving your people or to yourself. Do things that are right. Forget your trouble and laugh now aloud. I got through my misery last weekend. But my cry did not do me any good. It was my laugh that got me out of it.

You're keeping a distance as I will see far away from you. You might come back and you might not come back. But if you haven't notice, i have remain where I am all these years. Remaining there for the other person is when I think love is proven.
I want to give you hugs and my love as always.

Laugh, all of your troubles will flows away like bubbles.
My monk at the temple taught me. he sings beautifully

Death

I have thought about it and noticed that I have become someone that I don't like anymore. I am selfless and give too much of myself to other. I have people in my life that care about only want I can give to them, which before these few days didn't really matter to me as long as I can make them happy. But all of that ends right after I finish typing this blog. I am sure I am going to hurt some people and also it will not matter to many if I am there or not but I don't have time to think about how anyone would be affected by the decision I have just made. I love you but I have realized that I need to keep my distance and will remain far away from you so that my love does not turn into hatred. I have watched you grow and proud of what you have become and where you might end up. Today, I will die.

changing direction

I was away from this blog for a month already.
This month was a real brain opener for me.
I have a lost feeling that I lived in seawater all my life but never seen the ocean. I have friends family and lover, still feel have no idea what I was loving. The strongest feeling I had lately was for the dog mocha. Unexpected little dog creature was naughty and giving at the same time. Everytime I think about us apart breaks my heart. This is the trait of future lonely woman. I am convinced I am going to be an old woman with many cats and die from my pets eating my flesh. Since Mocha like licking me so much.

So apparently I have good taste(from two of my bosses and surrounding "appraiser". I wonder if I can have better tongue then eyes... cause love eating. But having good taste is the problem. People that appreciate nice things has to be judgmental, we can not have taste without judgment. That means if i live as a nice person, I can not be Anna Wintour. That's the trade off.

Its very contradicting... I love people, but I do judge. Sometimes I notice people changed their haircut, but have trouble complimenting them. Can't hold off or say fake comments anymore. I read a blog, the blogger blogged about UGGs. I do agree, I don't understand why people wear them in summer, I don't understand how people found style in those, I don't understand the whole hype. I agreed with her. But she got so much harsh comments on them. So... why should we create such hate over style??

I have a lot of pride on my style, how I chose and the way I live my life. But it does not mean I should judge other. Now I'm having second thought on being a designer... I'm thinking of taking a master on landscape architecture. might be more interesting on making this world a better place and less hate.

Change... Name...

I am about to undergo the biggest change in my life. It will taste my spirit, emotions, physical and mental strengths,tolerance, understanding, creativity and soul, but I know I am mentally and physically ready for it. Time and time again I find myself wondering if the world it ready for this change. Another new me? It does sound like I have mentioned this before but I assure you this time it is a change that will rock the world and turn everything upside down on its arse. Almost everything is in motion all I have to do is get on the train and ride it hard. It is going to be one hell of a ride and one I am bound by my emotions and rationale to hold on to for the rest of my life. Come to think of it I do need to start thinking of a name. This change should have a name. A name that is worthy of it, a name that will stand the test of time. A name infused with power, creativity and knowledge. A name so simple. A name.

quarter life crisis: quote from convo with Q

Queenie: u cant be bored
u just got this job
me: believe it or not
i'm so bored already
Queenie: hahaha
dim suen ar lei
me: idk
hahaha
soo bad
3:36 PM Queenie: haha
guess what i found
Queenie: Characteristics of quarter-life crisis may include:
me: lol
Queenie: boredom with social interactions
HAHAHA
that s us
me: give me the whole prep
3:37 PM Queenie: Characteristics of quarter-life crisis may include:

feeling "not good enough" because one can't find a job that is at one's academic/intellectual level
frustration with relationships, the working world, and finding a suitable job or career
confusion of identity
insecurity regarding the near future
insecurity concerning long-term plans, life goals
insecurity regarding present accomplishments
re-evaluation of close interpersonal relationships
disappointment with one's job
nostalgia for university, college, high school or elementary school life
tendency to hold stronger opinions
boredom with social interactions
loss of closeness to high school and college friends
financially-rooted stress (overwhelming college loans, unanticipatedly high cost of living, etc.)
loneliness
desire to have children
a sense that everyone is, somehow, doing better than you
that explains why
aahha
me: omg
i'm total at that
but i'm a little late at 27
i have to blog this

again..

Trying to arrange my thoughts lately
all my ideas contradicts and really don't know what is my final goal
Do i love or do i lust.
Another reunion of he and I, another uneasy nights for me
It is not love nor guilt that I feel, it is a weird competition that we have
I wish to present that I am not nothing without you
That I will have work love and friends my life after you
But I stil feel like I have not match up to you
I still feel like my life seems shitty without you
I admit that it was everything that i dreamt of
and as the text i sent you before we break up. it is a fairy tale that does not belong to me
Maybe i felt it was too easy, maybe i want to work on my life with my own efforts
therefore i left you, i had to feel like i belong to myself, not borrowing my perfect life from you
But I am happy, but unhappy after I have to compare myself with you
maybe it is a good idea that we shall never meet again

O....

I went to bed a bit pissed at a friend last night. When I woke I could not believe how pissed I was at her, come to think of it there wasn't really anything major that warranted such a display of emotions. Maybe I am getting to that point again where my tolerance for humanity is getting low. The last time I had something like this I completely erased a lot of people from my life. Maybe they deserved it but I would not know now. I seem to get very detached from more people every year while making less new friends to replace the old once. I guess humanity is not much interesting to me anymore. There is a bitter taste in my mouth and it is slowly spreading.

I got to talking with you yesterday and our conversation moved into shagging and I was a bit surprised that no matter how many times we've talked about it you seem to tell me that you have never thought about us being together. I wonder if maybe its cause we have grown too close to each other or its because I kept this feeling for you this long with no return from you. I guess its getting to the point where I should overhaul my affection for you. Time has passed and affections have been voiced. You know where I stand and how I feel about you. I leave it here in your court for you to make the next move.

S.B.C

I started from scratch. Editing and writing out all the things that I have put on hold as a result of a silly excuse I gave to myself. A lot has happened and it is time I get off my 'feeling-sorry-for-myself' arse and start being as creative as I have always been. I am taking my project from print to the net so as not to keep dodging my fear. Maybe I can justify going to the net and look at it as an effort to stay 'Green' since it is the rage right now, but who the fuck am I kidding. I can not sit around and keep telling myself that I can't afford to go to print only to watch as my brain cells slowly rot and die. I have a gift, a talent, skill or whatever the fuck you want to call it and it is high-time I created something that is beautiful and fills my heart with sparkling bubbles. The storyboard is finished and its time to get this motion picture into full production. I am ranting to save my brain cells and for that we will call this episode 'save the brain cells'.

As a past advertising student..

and how much I did not like the Ad world. Focus Groups, target audience, every art director getting excited about some smart little things that they created. I was not longer in the scene but I still understand the amusement and passion behind the industry. Nowadays, everyone is concern about their privacy, everyone dislike advertising,seems like every product or every message that came from any brand is a monstrous thing!
So Facebook is validating privacy- yes again just like people that are concern with google and x amount of other companies.
I was really worried about iphone when I first got it. Look Apple and At&t would be about to know who i contact, where I live, where I go everyday. Every person email, phone call/text can be under surveillance. We will have no where to hide! If I do not have my phone, my communication with all people that I know will be non existence. It was a little frightening.
So that was my defensive arguments!

But I was rethinking this morning after reading facebook law suit and geneticly modified food??? Also my recent reading about our prices, above or below inflation.

We have 6.7 Billion in this world. Our resources are lowering and we have less energy, less food. We will soon eat up the whole entire planet. So now we have to concentrate on getting more food, conservation our energy source. I found that so closely related to advertising. It is funny to me that we blaming other people for the way we spend our money and resources. If there is no opportunity for another new phone or another new pairs of jeans, and if there is not desire in our human population, why! then why we spend the way we spend. Just because someone made something available, we have to get it? We changed our lives because we wanted to. We like the new cars, we like the new food. And we blame advertising for the way we want things because we can not control our own desires.

Now our consumption is snowballing, its hard not to blame on capitalism. We keep expecting bigger and bigger number in sales and in cheeseburger. Bigger yard, bigger apartment, better car, cheaper clothes. I don't blame for us to advance and to get more for what we spend. We are able to afford so much becasue goods are priced in the way that we believe we will have bigger sales and cheaper way to make everything. So can it be that we want more and we price things lower to attract customers to generate sales. Or we blame on advertising because we make things more desirable.

where is the love?

A Stall at the restart

Joyfully but painfully had to take a break at my new gig at DK. Somehow I got so so so sick and could not go in work on the first week. It was pretty embarassing.
My SIster had come into town. We had rest becasue i was too sick, and we were so lazy at home. It was the best time with her. Then we went sister shopping time and eating time and having fun time. My time is now without alcohol and nicotine! I think i'm quitting for good.
I love my sister.
Listening and designing. Pandora is the best work music
Going to see Feist with Candice tonight, finally....
I love her.